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abalone99
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Name: Emily/Stu/...there are ma
Birthday: 6/9/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: THEATER!! art, poetry, history, the workings of the mind and heart, people - always people, my friends and loved ones
Expertise: um. bio-engineering. AHAHAHAHAH, just wanted to see if you were paying attention. but yeah, theater is my area of love and expertise. both on stage and behind.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  TH8Rfreak
Member Since:
10/11/2003
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| the rest? well...are being washed out to sea
it is rather appropriate that it is on the 14th (my favorite number) that i am back to being excited to wake up in the morning. and last night was the first time in too long i didn't have to knock myself out to be able to sleep. last night and yesterday i was reminded of who is really there and who are the really decent people in the world. i was reminded of the joy in living and the joy in our universe again. and this morning i woke up and realized some changes needed to be made. again. haha. i know i know. we re-invent ourselves frequently. but that's a good thing. or at least in my opinion. so yeah. certain people, places, situations, etc. that aren't so good aren't going to be tolerated in quite the same way. this time around and more so than last time (cause it's not like i wasn't before, just not quite as much as now) i will be as strong as i say am. and for all the right reasons. and without shutting down. cause there is a way to do all that. just cause you talk or think or feel or re-invent or increase your understand or seek to find answers (even if they don't exist in the end) or enjoy life does not make you weak. and i'm starting to re-understand that. i knew that all a long time ago. and i don't know why, but i let other things get to me and change my perception. not anymore. so yeah. goodbye. i'm walking away with a smile on my face and i don't even care.
: D | | |
| thank GOD i have a few real MEN in my life right now.
My baby brother, Daniel - you listened to me bitch for 3 hours on the phone Saturday night, convinced me to do something i should have done a long time ago, and then sent me flowers the day after. i love you love you love you love you love you. although funny thing, i got the heads-up about the flowers through an e-mail from our mail room saying, "you have flowers waiting for you" and i was like gonna scream. i figured surely they were from charlie or some other fucknut friend that screwed up this week and was just like, "if that motherfucker thinks flowers are gonna fix things at this point..." i didn't open them for 4 hours b/c i was worried i'd throw a scene and collapse wherever i happened to be. hahaha. when i read your card it made me cry in such a good way.
Nate - thank you so much, you make me proud of the people in arms, you're the only guy i know who is a total badass. you can go climbing up shit and shoot like mofo in the afternoon and then go to a bar with 3 girls at night, legitimately enjoy yourself, and talk about the merits of cunilingus. and dude, you look so cool the entire time. in fact, it's probably because of those things that every girl who's ever met you is in love you. wow. you rule. and if you don't know that already, you should. it's a boon to how good and wonderful and great of a person you are. p.s. you also give great hugs
John - you answered at 6:30 in the morning even though your miles and miles away. you told me JUST what i needed to here - "i'm here for you. no matter what. and I actually MEAN it." thank god you're going to be here tomorrow night to keep me safe. thanks. we are gonna have so much fun at the wedding that now i can hardly wait to go.
Chris - for pulling me onto the dance show when i needed a distraction, and tell me what i knew deep down was true about our department and how the professors treat people - "that's just not right..." thanks i needed to hear that from an adult so it wasn't just us being crazy kids.
And now for my gals -
Erin - you were sick. you had tests. you had no business listening to me bitch and moan. but you did. and you threatened to kick me out of the apartment when i - in a moment of temporary insanity - thought it would be easier to just go back and fix things. thank you for being there for me every step of the way. you are my roommate, one of my best friends, a pseudo-sister, and would be my lesbian lover if i didn't love the cock so much.
Marrissa - for being the bitch that you are. someone needs to be saying that shit and thank god you do.
Amy and Asheley - for being there and leaving me phone messages and other such reminders that you're there for me and will be always when i get back to san antonio after the long haul.
Whitney - thanks for backing me up and knowing more intimately than some what a bunghole charlie is. this summer the two of us are setting up a table in the center of downtown portland. we will be there every weekend to answer questions about women and tell anyone who will listen what the fucking deal is. after this, you motherfuckers will have no excuse. you will never again be able to chalk anything up to us being 'crazy women' as apparantly this whole business is being looked upon. dude, we will have explained everything, and if you fuck up this time, it's going to be your own damn fault. and yes. we are DEAD serious about doing it.
Sara - even though we rarely see or talk one another, every time we do i feel like you are a sister of some sort to me.
katy c. - thanks for your ability to sum up 2 years of anger, frustration, sadness, etc. into one word that perfectly encapsulates everything that's going on. i don't know how you do it. you are my personal goddess and i prize your presence in my life.
katy a. - thank you for the fact that if you were here now i would have NO doubts whatsoever that you'd be doing the exact same things. you too understand what it fully means to be a human being and what it means to truly love and care for someone. you have proven yourself time and time again as a wonderful friend. i'm so glad i have someone as wonderful as you in my life and that i don't have to worry about whether or not i can trust you. that means more to me than you know as it is such a rare occurance with the people in my life. | | |
| If you truly love something
You fight for it with all you've got
You pursue it to the ends of the world
You don't let them tell you nothing's wrong
Cause you know its not
You fight to keep them
You fight to find them
To keep them safe
And stay by their side
Even when they say
"no, really it's ok
just
go
home
...
"
THAT'S what 'to love' means
*
Thanks, ---,
You taught me that.
I did those things on auto-pilot
But could never quantify it
But you knew
And you did
Even when it took holding me down
Tearing me away from myself
And forcing me to look in your eyes
So I'd see the reflection of truth.
Thanks, ---.
I needed that. | | |
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Once again, i have come to the point where the only thing that's going to keep me on my way is a stray piece of fleeting, in-the-moment, ethereal theatre. At this point, I don't care even about the thesis, only the performance. I don't care if i get my degree or not. i don't care if i never get into grad school. i don't care about anyone in that awful house. i don't care for the people who broke their promises. they said they'd take care of me. they said they'd be beat him into mushy pulp before they let him hurt me. so where the FUCK where you all? huh? where were you for the slights, and snide comments, and insults, and pulling aways, and absences, all the selfish, selfish behavior, and non-returned phone calls, and early evenings that ended too soon? where were you? to speak up, to say something, to clock him and throw him against the wall and exclaim, "you don't treat a woman like that, boy." well fuck you too. i'm done with you all. i've had my share. i take care of you all every day, in every way, and in all the ways that i can. i ask for one fucking week of help and you're not around. listen, motherfuckers, you can say all you want about your being worried, and concerned, and spout off every synonym for love and care and add whatever adjectives and adverbs to those words you can. but actions speak a fuckload louder that words. and no one can back themselves the fuck up. well i can. so fuck you all. i don't need you motherfuckers.
i didn't need to sleep. i needed someone to hold me tight, never let go, to SHOW me they love me, not just say it. that's what i needed.
you know nothing of love. of what it means to love someone unconditionally. that concept isn't even in your plane of existance, you son of bitch. don't tell ME you know about what it means to love someone unconditionally. that's like telling someone with a shotgun wound to the head that you know what pain is like cause you've got a fucking hangnail.
please - those of you reading this now - no one call or leave messages or write me or whatnot. i can't deal with the imperfection of humans at the moment. i don't know if i ever will be able to. it makes me regret that i wake up in the morning only to face them and it every day. | | |
| dear insomnia,
why must you exist? or if you must exist, why must you be so ceasingly ruthless? why can't you and sleep and I all work together somehow? why can't i have the inability to sleep during the day when i should be writing by thesis? why must you strike from 2-6 a.m. the morning that i have to wake up at 7 a.m. for a flight? what up with that, g-dog?
sincerely,
Emily | | |
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